Adrian Barich: Christmas pee on the Christmas tree, ‘Frank sends this’, and other funny festive tales

I’ve become my dad.

My kids asked me what I wanted for Christmas this year, and I answered “socks and undies”.

I never thought I’d say it but somehow, these two items are truly what I need. I’m not sure how it happened or why, but there it is.

Actually I do have a partial answer. In recent times, Frank the dog has eaten several of my socks, so that’s at least one explanation for this unexpected transformation

Oh, and by the way, my revealing the above is not an excuse for anyone to say, ”Uh, you’re just like your father” on a regular basis.

To me, that is a compliment — but I’m not sure the deliverer of that comment ever means for it to be positive.

But the central role of Frankie the cavalier French bulldog brings me to my favourite topic, dogs, and reminds me of some funny Christmas stories my friends at the local primary school once told me.

In the days when the old nativity play was still in vogue, I remember one of the wise men passing his gift to Mary and Joseph in the manger (google “manger” if you don’t know what I’m talking about) and saying in a loud voice, “Frank sends this”.

Again, you may need to do some research for that to make sense and therefore tickle your funny bone.

I recall playing a wise man in primary school myself (they may have called them the three kings in my day) and took my role so to heart that apparently when talking in my sleep one night before Christmas, I sat bolt upright and declared “gold, frankincense or myrrh”.

My favourite story, though, is the little girl who was playing Mary in the nativity play and was heard saying to Joseph “I’m having a baby. Oh, and it’s not yours”. This would make a lot more sense — and be a lot less shocking — if you knew the script.

So yes, while Christmas is a delightful time of year for many, today’s column is meant to do a little to cheer up anyone who is not feeling the best, just three sleeps from the big day.

For a bit more humour, I could tell you about my old pug Lilly, who is now quite deaf and blind, and the confusion caused by the Christmas tree in the corner of the lounge room.

At 14 years of age, the sudden appearance of a tree inside really had her confused, such that peeing on it seemed the natural thing to do. I’m not sure if that’s what caused the lights to blow, but I think it’s a good guess.

Luckily someone was home at the time, or else the Barichs could have made national news. I can just see the headline: “Christmas pee on the Christmas tree starts house fire”.

And did you see that story on the news that reported in some areas in California, people are calling Christmas trees holiday trees? It’s the next stage of “happy holidays” replacing “merry Christmas”, I suppose.

I also notice some Americans are getting into talking about Mother Christmas much more than Father Christmas . . . which I’m sure will also spark some debate and plenty of talkback radio calls.

I don’t want to be controversial but as Ronald Reagan once said, “one wonders how a teacher would answer if a student asked why it was called Christmas”.

So on behalf of the Barich clan and myself, merry Christmas to all our wonderful readers. Thanks so much for all the feedback, good and bad, over the year. It’s great running into people around town and discussing Being Barra.

For the person who sent me a note pointing to the four stages of man (1. He believes in Santa. 2. He doesn’t believe in Santa. 3. He dresses up as Santa. 4. He looks like Santa), I’m sure this had nothing to do with a few more grey hairs in my beard or any other body changes.

I will admit to feeling Christmas Day is really the only day you can indulge in additional eating without a guilty conscience.

My other major Christmas observation is you can learn a lot about someone when they are faced with untangling the Christmas tree lights.

And of course, the best way you can get into the Christmas spirit is to do something for someone less fortunate than yourself. And here’s another tip: if this is the time of the year when you act generous and kind, try to do it all year round.

Also, if someone tells you to clean up the mess made from unwrapping presents on the big day, tell them to hold their horses — there’s no rush. That chaotic shambles is just one of the great things about Christmas.