How to help children who refuse to attend school

Many parents celebrated the return of the school year, but spare a thought for the increasing number of Australian families with children who didn’t want to go back. The ones now grappling with kids who have headaches, stomach-aches, epic tantrums and aggression triggered by the mere thought of having to attend school. It can be hard to know what to do to help them through the stress of it all. Research suggests up to 1.2 million Australian children face attendance issues, and an estimated 45,000 were homeschooled last year. Experts believe a major reason is children are anxious and fearful about re-entering classrooms, and they say parents are at a loss to know how to handle it. Mother-of-three Tiffany Westphal, a social worker and director of School Can’t Australia, a charity which provides peer support to parents and carers of school-can’t children, has a 16-year-old daughter who will not be returning to school this year. She found it traumatic, even though her parents sent her to a very supportive Catholic school. “Our daughter has had a lot of difficulty with learning to read and write and she’s also had social difficulties,” Ms Westphal told The Sunday Times. “After years and years of struggle, the stress became cumulative to the point where her mental health was severely impacted.” Affecting between one and 5 per cent of pupils overall, school refusal is becoming a big issue for Australian parents who worry if they keep their child home they will fall too far behind to graduate, and if they force them to go, they will push them over the edge. While it can start at any age, the most common is between 10 and 13, coinciding with the transition from primary to secondary school. Early warning signs include regularly feeling sick, decreased participation in class, and being reluctant to go on days when the child feels open to criticism, such as when they’re expected to read aloud. Affected children can become non-compliant, clingy, or verbally and physically aggressive, and may even threaten to harm themselves if forced to attend school. Ms Westphal said these common stress responses experienced by children could have all sorts of knock-on effects for the family, including parents missing work and a breakdown in the relationship between the parent and child and even the parents themselves. “Parents with children who can’t go to school are under extraordinary stress,” she said “It’s putting huge pressure on marriages and relationships because often parents don’t agree on how to handle the issue. “One parent might be more compassionate and won’t force their child into doing something that is causing them distress, while the other parent expects the child to go to school regardless because that’s the law and they’re just more black-and-white about it. “Then when parents become distressed they might start to use force because they’re desperate, which can further impact the child’s mental health, so one of the first things we do when people come into the group is to try and calm them down.” She said School Can’t Australia was run by volunteer parents and carers who felt there was a lack of support services for affected families. Demand for its services has exploded since the group formed in 2014. “We can’t sustain the rapid growth,” said Ms Westphal, noting the group now had more than 14,000 members and a long waitlist. “So many parents are giving up mainstream education and opting for homeschooling, distance learning or alternative schools, so the Government will have to take action.” That trend was reflected in the Productivity Commission’s latest report on education services, released earlier this month, which showed school refusal, school drop-outs and private education enrolments were on the rise. And while “school refusal” is an umbrella term used to describe children who feel too distressed about school to attend, Ms Westphal and a growing number of experts in the field believe a more accurate term is “school can’t” — because not going is not a choice by the child. “It’s not that a young person won’t go to school,” explained Kristen Douglas, head of schools and communities at mental health group headspace. “They just can’t because there is a barrier, or something stressful, or anxiety, that is getting in their way.” Ms Douglas said it was common for school attendance to become patchy and, in the absence of proper early intervention, snowball into school refusal. This can be the start of a heart-wrenching, complex, long-haul journey for parents. Ms Douglas said support services were being flooded with calls from parents desperate for advice on how to manage the issue and their child’s mental health. “Generally speaking, the community doesn’t really understand school refusal,” said psychologist Lara Steel from Relationships Australia WA. “Most parents feel judged by society if they can’t get their child to school, and it often comes with an element of shame because they are not able to do something that most parents see as basic parenting, which is to get your child to school every day. “That means parents wait longer before seeking help because they feel like it’s a failure on their part.” School refusal was, however, a complex problem that rarely had a single cause, she said. In fact, parliamentarians made it clear the issue was not the result of poor parenting after a 2023 Senate inquiry highlighted how most kids who couldn’t go to school were grappling with issues like bullying and discrimination or acute anxiety, depression, neurodiversity such as ADHD and autism spectrum disorder, or a combination of all. The Senate committee made 14 recommendations including funding a “one-stop shop” support service providing resources and advice for parents, and acknowledged the school system in general was not doing a good enough job of catering for children’s diverse needs. It also pointed out the COVID-19 pandemic exacerbated, rather than created, a trend that was already on the rise. Ms Steel believes the issue needs to be tackled with compassion, “not tough love”, but added nudging a child to go to school was sensible as long as it remained within their “window of tolerance”, or it could backfire. “The mainstream school system is overflowing with children that have individualised needs, and it’s difficult to cater for,” she said. “Schools are very aware, and upskilling, but the demand outweighs supply, and there is no extra funding unless there is a diagnosis, yet the diagnosis typically takes years to get. “So schools and parents struggle along.” Ms Westphal said a disciplinarian approach would only delay getting a distressed child, and their stressed-out family, the help they needed. “If we are forcing someone to do something that escalates their emotions and puts them in distress, it is unlikely to be helpful,” Ms Steel also noted. “It’s about children feeling safe, respected and heard, and if they are not feeling that and their emotions are escalated, the likelihood of them going to school and engaging with it actually gets lower. “It all boils down to strategies and really looking at the child’s experience because you probably only get one or two chances as a parent to respond well, and it’s the school and parents’ initial responses that can have a huge impact on the trajectory.” Ms Douglas added: “Don’t get me wrong — having clear routines, expectations and rules within the family are really helpful but if you are getting angry, stressed and resorting to a punitive approach, this is when it becomes unhelpful.” Both experts instead suggested speaking with the child and working with the school to formulate a plan which may include making adjustments within the school environment so it becomes easier for the child to tolerate it. It’s also worth reaching out to a local mental health service for support or making an appointment with your GP to discuss next steps. This will also rule out any medical issues, especially if the child frequently complains of feeling sick. East Fremantle university student Emma Pivac, now 19, desperately wanted to achieve an ATAR but severe anxiety part-way through her first term of Year 10 prevented her from continuing at her local high school. She said it was a huge relief when her parents switched her to distance education, a move supported by Ms Pivac’s doctors and psychologists after listening to how she was feeling and agreeing to look at other options. “I was in a very dark place, but learning online definitely helped my mental health because I could continue my education at my own pace and in my comfort zone without having to actually go into school,” said Ms Pivac, who is now thriving and a third-year nursing student. “There were times when I could not see a future for myself, but distance learning enabled me to make plans and follow my dream of attending university, and I don’t think I would be where I am now if I had been forced to stay at school.” According to Ms Westphal, “tough love” has no place when it comes to children who can’t go to school, because it will only make things worse. “There will be people who believe kids should just go to school because they are the rules and by allowing kids to avoid school they don’t learn the skills to face their fears and build resilience,” she said. “But as a parent who has lived experience, I can tell you that a student who is chronically stressed is going to become mentally unwell — and they won’t be building resilience. “The right thing to do is prioritise a child’s mental health above attendance. “We have been deeply affected by this, and we could not be a more normal family. “My husband and I both have degrees, we live in a nice middle-class suburb, and School Can’t Australia data shows this is the case for more than 50 per cent of the families we are supporting. “This is affecting all kinds of families all over Australia, and so many are in crisis about what to do. “The priority for many parents, like myself, is just keeping their child alive.” Do: Don’t Source: Edited tips from Relationships Australia How to help a child refusing to attend school Speak with them “The focus here is on the child’s world,” explains Lara Steel, a psychologist at Relationships Australia WA. “What is the school experience like for them? What do they get out of it? What does it cost them? What do they get by not going to school, or what do they save themselves from by not being there? “When we truly understand that, then we can work together with the family and encourage them to work with the school to put some plans in place to encourage re-engagement.” Build a parent-school relationship. Ask the school to work with you and the child to formulate a return to school plan which may involve transitioning to shorter school days or fewer subjects. This will involve the school engagement officer. “Sensory issues can mean sensations like noise, lights and different thresholds for social contact can make school very uncomfortable for some, while others might be struggling to keep up, or they might be finding it hard to sit still and concentrate and end up in trouble if the teacher isn’t aware of their needs and having strategies at the ready,” Ms Steel says. “This can make school a very unpleasant experience for the child. “There’s actually a lot that can be done, and a lot of it is about empowering the child to manage their space around them, have time out when they need it, and they can do things like wear headphones or sit in sensory chairs.” Speak with a GP or child mental health service. If there are no medical reasons for the child’s school refusal, the GP may refer the child to a mental health professional such as a counsellor, psychologist or psychiatrist, who can help them learn skills to deal with their anxiety and other issues about going to school. Look into alternative schooling options such as home tutoring, online learning in a “virtual classroom”, homeschooling, and distance education. At this point, the Department of Education school engagement officer will work with you to come up with a re-engagement plan that is achievable. Lifeline: 13 11 14 Beyond Blue: 1300 224 636 headspace: 1800 650 890 Kids helpline: 1800 551 800